Day 4

I haven’t been able to sleep well. I have been suffering sudden awakenings (at least a pair per hour) until the 8:00 am. Almost any sound made me wake up abruptly. And the heat has not helped much either. But it looks like I have got calm finally, and a pair of earplugs has made the rest.

I think I’m better. The Sopor and queasiness persist but they are less intense. And the dreams, although being rare, seem much more like the typical ones.

I have dreamed again with the idea of releasing more sensuality and sexuality. “Self-affirmation” is a precious and valuable feeling at this moment of life in which I am. Because these days I’m a bundle of traumas and tensions from the past, all of them orchestrated to perform "Anxiety". I can’t lie. The more I think in it the more I see "necessary" the option to find a lover who brings me that self-affirmation.

Me and my man left the subject of “freedom” parked off, but not because I think differently. I imagine him having a fling or casual sex with another woman and that idea still doesn’t bother me at all (whenever she’s a good woman, it’s my only condition). I think this is because I feel so sure about his love for me. Even I could find realizing this kind of fantasies a bit erotic.

After all... “what’s the life, if we must be repressing desires and fantasies all the time”.

These days I believe that the true anti-naturalness is in the obsession or frustration of not being able to perform these affairs without regrets. These affairs should only imply what you have put into them, NOTHING MORE. How much damage does the social convictions about what is correct or not in love, what is “pure” or not!! How much damage does the Church, the films and soaps on TV, the established as "it must be thus, do not ask why"...

Why I must deny a chemical part of my brain? It’s just this, and I know it! The life in agreement with my chemistry makes me feel more reaffirmed these days. And it doesn’t affect absolutely my emotional and spiritual side.

Sex is just sex. The physical and mental scene in which you exercise it is what supposes one or another meaning. Deep down the healthy friendship there’s nothing more pleasant and amusing than sex filled of laughter and affection. And I can affirm it from my own experience.

I never have minded what people who refuse the obvious or don’t accept their own frustrations have to say to me. When you are happy because the clearness of your thinking you don’t deny anybody the right to say/think trivialities. But you don’t either matter whatever they think, of course.