Day 3

I have waked up several times along the sleep. At 7:43, at 10:15, at 12:28, at some minutes past one and finally at 15:17. Then I have been laying down the bed, trying to guess if I was feeling good or wrong until five o’clock.

I have dreamed strange dreams but, thanks heaven!!, they weren’t real bad nightmares. And now I’m completely submerged in the Sopor.

I’ll try to explain what the Sopor is. I think it would be like wakening up with a plastic bag around the head, tied around the neck, and immersed under 60 feet of muddy water. The worst part of it consists on this: the brain, for a strange reason, doesn’t file away as “Fantasy” the feelings and experiences you have had during the dream. No. They seem to remain in an intermediate place among the Fiction and Reality’s drawers. This sensation causes so much grief and sorrow. So when you have had dreams filled with hard and really terrible nightmares this sensation becomes more than grieving or sorrowing. It’s… well… It’s very, very bad. And there's more. The sensation has the capability to last despite of the pass of time.

I have tried with more chocolate and a slow shower with lavender aromatic gel. At least I only have the typical queasiness of my abstinence right now.

The queasiness would be like having the head joined to the body only by a couple of sinews. If you just imagine someone making a quick kind of movement you get a sensation like a retch, cramp and tumble, all of these mixed up. It’s very odd and unpleasant.

I’m hungry but I don’t feel strong enough to cook anything decent.

I have telephoned my parents. I have lied a bit. Also I have made up my situation. We are going to lunch together tomorrow. With this date and delivered meal I think I will be able to overcome the weekend.

If I reach Monday without falling in the need of taking pills to avoid the madness… I think then I will be coming out from the tunnel at last. Today, although really fucked, I feel quite hopeful. This is the first time I reach the third day without antidepressants and anxiolytics in my blood.