I eventually have something like a diagnosis: I have an “anxious brain”, which means… permanent/chronic anxiety.
I have been suffering anxiety since the very first moments of my life, but I was unaware of that. For me that was just the “usual way of being”, because you can’t get inside other’s minds and compare how much nervous their brains are with yours.
A year and a half ago the situation in my brain got over its control and I started to suffer my current anxiety disorder. But it was only that, a situation over control, I always had anxiety and I always will have anxiety, the rest of my life.
Hey, that’s not bad. It’s my natural way of life. And it’s so good to know the truth, the whys and wherefores at last…
But I have to learn how to live with that again. I learned when I was a baby, by an unconscious automatic mechanism. Now I have to do it again consciously, while I’m dealing with the “adult” life, the fucking mortgage, the work, the bad people out there.... ;P
Anyway, I’m so glad about one thing: pills are not for me. My psychiatrist told me: “You have to re-educate your brain, not fight against it with pills. You need to practice a relaxing physical-mental method, like Yoga or Tai-chi”. I started yesterday a treatment with anti-epileptic pills (yes, anti-epileptic… mine is such a curious disorder), but only as a “reinforcement”, until Tai-chi or Yoga start to take effects on me.
ME: So, I've already have something like a diagnosis about what's the matter with me...
FRIEND (the same of the previous post): Oh, really?
ME: Yeah... well, it's something like chronic anxiety, I mean, I'm going to have it my whole life...
FRIEND: But actually that's good!
Thereupon we changed the point of our conversation so I didn't find out about the explanation that his/her mind could have concatenated. Anyway...
The bright side is that I have seen who are those few ones, really few, who have kept on listening in silence after a year and a half like the first day. And I know I won't be ever enough grateful for that revelation. Ever.
I have been suffering anxiety since the very first moments of my life, but I was unaware of that. For me that was just the “usual way of being”, because you can’t get inside other’s minds and compare how much nervous their brains are with yours.
A year and a half ago the situation in my brain got over its control and I started to suffer my current anxiety disorder. But it was only that, a situation over control, I always had anxiety and I always will have anxiety, the rest of my life.
Hey, that’s not bad. It’s my natural way of life. And it’s so good to know the truth, the whys and wherefores at last…
But I have to learn how to live with that again. I learned when I was a baby, by an unconscious automatic mechanism. Now I have to do it again consciously, while I’m dealing with the “adult” life, the fucking mortgage, the work, the bad people out there.... ;P
Anyway, I’m so glad about one thing: pills are not for me. My psychiatrist told me: “You have to re-educate your brain, not fight against it with pills. You need to practice a relaxing physical-mental method, like Yoga or Tai-chi”. I started yesterday a treatment with anti-epileptic pills (yes, anti-epileptic… mine is such a curious disorder), but only as a “reinforcement”, until Tai-chi or Yoga start to take effects on me.
ME: So, I've already have something like a diagnosis about what's the matter with me...
FRIEND (the same of the previous post): Oh, really?
ME: Yeah... well, it's something like chronic anxiety, I mean, I'm going to have it my whole life...
FRIEND: But actually that's good!
Thereupon we changed the point of our conversation so I didn't find out about the explanation that his/her mind could have concatenated. Anyway...
The bright side is that I have seen who are those few ones, really few, who have kept on listening in silence after a year and a half like the first day. And I know I won't be ever enough grateful for that revelation. Ever.
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